


The kind of girls you definitely shouldn't fall in love with

by craploadsofawesome



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/F, kidnapped the wrong person AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4311492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craploadsofawesome/pseuds/craploadsofawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'You mean to tell me,' Carmilla says, slowly, calmly 'that based on the information you gave me, I kidnapped the wrong girl?'<br/>There is a long pause, then her brother speaks, in the tiniest voice possible 'Yes.'<br/>All Carmilla wants is to complete her mission properly, and go to bed at the end of a shitty day. But due to a lot of totally avoidable situations, she finds herself having to spend an indefinite number of days with Laura 'Sugar and Sunshine wrapped into one very, very tiny and ridiculous package' Hollis, who is determined to make her life as hard as possible. If this keeps happening, she'll have to start believing in God, if only because she can't imagine having so much bad luck in her world, without the existence of some bearded dude up there who entertains himself with every mess she inevitably lands herself into.<br/>Also, Laura Hollis is really, really annoying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Carmilla**

Carmilla Karnstein is not having a good day.

Earlier, she had failed to transfer her message to the client on time (she had been like ten minutes late, but no, the dude just had to throw a fucking fit and tell the Dean like she wasn’t in enough trouble from the mixup last week); that guy from mechanics pressed the wrong button on his phone, and started a whole mess that she had to personally go and fix, and then she had lost her targets.

Who were like, 17.

That was the part that had rankled the most. She had managed to lose track of 17 year olds. As in, juvenile. As in, kids.

Thankfully, she got her shit together in time, and managed to apprehend them without having to call in backup, which would have amused Danny endlessly. She had barely dropped them off at headquarters when another call came in, about having to deal with a girl and she had to go out again.

Which brings her to Laura Hollis.

Carmilla cranes her head, and under the pretext of fixing the kinks in her neck, gets a brief view of the girl from behind her phone. Laura Hollis is…..pretty, she guesses, with straight honey colored hair that falls just under her shoulders, and is shining and rippling in the wind. She seems completely absorbed in the book she is reading, only moving when she turns a page or underlines something on it. Carmilla can tell she’s short even if she is sitting down, a few inches shorter than her.

She focuses her attention on her phone, and goes over everything she knows about Laura, the girl (don’t call them by name, makes it personal). An aspiring journalist, she studies in the university nearby, and has a minor in English. Likes sugar products, from what Carmilla has discerned from following her around for the last hour (The girl ordered two choco-chip cookies and hot chocolate at the bakery and scarfed them down within ten minutes), and doesn’t have a lot of friends. Everything else she needs to know will be conveyed to her through her partner. Who should be here soon.

She looks around slowly, trying to pinpoint anyone who looks even the slightest out-of-place here. A man walking with his daughter on his shoulders, nah, it would be too complicated, he’d have to let go of the child to talk to her and that would look weird. The woman with the pram looks too frazzled for it to be fake and the guy on the bench next to hers is looking around but his interests seem to be purely in the women wandering around so she ticks him off. She turns her head, as though simply observing the beautiful scenery, all the while wondering who they could possibly be sending. Surely it wouldn’t be…..

Oh. Apparently it is.

‘Hello Kitty,’ Will drawls, settling next to her, then smiles at his own joke ‘How are things?’

‘Mother is in charge of this one, huh?’

‘Yeah, she is. She also asked me to tell you to drop by her office after this one, because mother something daughter something and completely irresponsible something.’

‘I cannot believe they let her run the organization. How is anyone supposed to stay professional when you have to give your boss reports and then listen to her complaints on ‘Carmilla, darling, you don’t drop by for dinner anymore’? It drives me crazy.’

‘It is how it is, I guess.’

‘Ridiculous,’ she mutters under her breath, then gets down to business ‘So, the girl?’

‘The guy told me over the phone that her name was Laura Hollis. So I looked her up. She lives in room 307 and has a roommate, some….Betty Spielsdorf.’

‘We can’t do it in the room then. Too messy.’

‘The alleyway approach, then?’

‘That……depends.’

‘On?’

‘Where she is heading to.’

He smiles and stretches ‘Let me pop over and find out.’

Carmilla reaches out a hand and stops him from getting up ‘Not you, self-professed Romeo. I’ll be more successful here.’

‘Okay, I know you think you’re the hottest and all, but I can hold my own. This time…’

‘This time, trust me. I have a fully functional gaydar, and it has been beeping ever since I saw her.’

‘Ugh, fine,’ he scowls ‘You get all the hottest ones anyways.’

She feels a jolt at his words, and her heart clenches with a sudden stab of sorrow ‘Doesn’t matter, Will. You don’t take a personal interest in the targets.’

He looks over at her, contrite ‘Shit, Kitty, I didn’t mean….’

‘I know. Don’t worry about it.’

He opens his mouth to say something else, but she cuts him off ‘Seriously, Will. Relax. And observe my genius from a distance.’

She walks towards the girl, casually taking her car keys out of her back pocket as she goes, and starts fiddling with them, bouncing them a little. Right as she reaches the bench, she pretends to stumble and drops the keys. Right near the girl’s feet.

‘Oh God, I’m sorry,’ she says, bending to retrieve them, while Laura waves her apology aside with a bright smile and an ‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it’. Right then, she has limited options. She could either make an excuse about her clumsiness but she doesn’t think it will pass muster (to be honest, it is because, it feels like an insult to pretend to be clumsy when she knows how well her smooth, sexy approach works), or she could strike up a conversation about the book the girl is reading. All the thinking happens within seconds and she tries to get a look at the cover as she slowly gets up, hoping it’s not educational material.

It’s not.

‘Twilight, seriously?’ bursts out of her mouth in a rare loss of control ‘I’m sorry. For being impudent and invasive. It’s just, I‘ve never seen Twilight in the hands of anybody other than a silly teenage fangirl.’

Laura blushes, but looks properly at her ‘Maybe I am a silly teenage fangirl.’

‘Teenager, maybe. But not a silly fangirl.’

‘Really? How would you know?’

‘My brain sorts girls into two categories, the ones with the potential to be fangirls and the ones who don’t. I mean, you may be a fangirl, but you’re not a silly one.’

‘Your brain only divides people into inane categories, or does it also tell you that it is extremely rude to barge into the middle of someone’s reading, someone who you don’t even know, and criticize their book of choice?’

She ducks her head, because the girl is kind of cute when she smiles ‘Sorry cupcake, just sharing an opinion. And, the not knowing you part……we could remedy that if you tell me your name.’

‘I don’t just give my names out to people I meet in the park.’

‘How about people who criticize your choice in books and then are prepared to back it up?’

Laura looks at her for a long time, then extends a hand ‘Laura. Laura Hollis.’

**Laura**

The thing is, it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the girl. The insanely hot girl sitting on the bench across from her talking to the guy who later left.

But her brain goes crazy around pretty girls (not that pretty is enough to describe her looks. Gorgeous is closer to the mark. Broodingly sexy.), and when in the middle of her reading, she noticed the girl talking to the guy, she kept stealing glances at them in the middle of turning pages.

Anyway, the girl was straight out of her fanfiction fantasy world (Meet a hot girl in a park, strike up a conversation, find out you have the same interests and bingo! She knows how utterly stupid that sounds, considering the number of psychos around, but……….did she mention the insane hotness of the girl?), and even though she came off a bit rude and abrasive, she seemed really funny and charming.

‘Millarca,’ she had said, after Laura introduced herself, and Laura had started laughing.

‘What?’ Millarca looked absolutely bemused.

‘Seriously? Man, your mother really hates you, doesn’t she?’

The girl’s (Millarca’s, Laura reminds herself) smile had strained for a moment, which made her think that maybe she had said something wrong, but she had laughed it away, and moved the topic of conversation to other matters.

‘Why would you be reading this stupid series at all? I mean, surely, there are better things they teach you in college.’

‘This is a college project,’ she had tried to justify, to which Millarca gave her a look that went ‘I may not know you, but you cannot fool me’, and had flatly stated ‘Cutie, the only way this is a college project is if you were asked to write about the falling standards of Young Adult novels these days. There are so many flaws in the series I can’t even…….’

‘What flaws?’

‘Where do I even start? In New Moon, why does Alice not foresee that Jasper was going to attack Bella and warn Edward accordingly. I guess Stephenie Meyer conveniently forgot her own character’s talents, because without that little scene, there wouldn’t. Bloody. Be. A. Book. The movies are even more ridiculous. In Breaking Dawn part 2, how does Alice manage to see Jacob and Renesmee’s future, despite her not being able to predict anything involving hybrids? I mean, come on.’

She had simply smiled at her companion, because Millarca may have been gorgeous, but her passionate rant had left her all flushed and beautiful and okay, her brain is really, really gay, and the conversation had continued.

An hour later, she had been no close to finding out personal details about Millarca, and yet the dark haired girl was the most interesting person she had ever met. She’d flitted from topic to topic, changing between pointing out random lines from novels and explaining their philosophical ramifications in today’s world, to telling Laura about strange novels that actually had extremely superior grammar and a good style of writing and had only stopped when Laura looked at her watch and saw the time.

‘Oh crap, it’s getting late. I have a ton of homework waiting for me back home.’

Millarca had nodded in understanding, and waving a goodbye, started to get up from the bench.

And that had been when (disregarding the rules of fanfiction 101 – you never make the first move on the hot girl. She does that.) she’d blurted out something really stupid ‘I don’t know you.’

‘Sure you do, cupcake,’ Millarca had smirked ‘My name is…..’

‘Apart from that, I mean.’

‘Guess you’ll have to come back here and find out tomorrow,’ which was the last thing she’d heard before the girl of her dreams had disappeared, with a ‘Cheerio’.

Which brings her back to past tense from past present tense.

Her mind, being all sorts of distracted and euphoric from just having met the most perfect woman (who could argue books and grumble about Pop Culture like nobody’s business), failed to notice the man quietly following her in the shadows. If she had paid better attention to her surroundings, she would have seen the man moving in a seemingly random manner through the streets was the same guy who had been talking to Millarca at the park. She would have called Betty and asked her roommate to come get her. Maybe it would have prevented everything that happened.

She would have been safe and sound in her bed.

Or maybe doing her homework late at night.

She certainly wouldn’t be getting hit over the head, and blacking out with the last voice in her head a whispered ‘Sorry about that, cutie’ that sounded a lot like the girl she had just been thinking of.

Man, pretty girls really get you in trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Carmilla**

‘You didn’t have to knock her out that hard.’

‘I got carried away.’

‘Carried away?’

‘Yeah,’ Will gesticulates wildly, his eyes lit up ‘I was all……hey, what if this girl is some terrorist or leader of an international drug cartel, or a serial killer? I would be the one bringing her in, and I should be doing that in style, right? So I was trying to be all James Bond 007 or that Transporter guy……’ he trails off with a look at the expression on her face which she is pretty sure says something along the lines of ‘Are you kidding me?’

Sometimes, she has trouble believing they belong to the same family.

‘What if they wanted us to take her in because she needs protection from a terrorist or the leader of an international drug cartel, which, William, seriously, stop watching Orange is the New Black, or a serial killer? We would be the ones bringing her in and believe me, there is nothing stylish about getting reamed out by the Dean.’

‘Stop referring to her as the Dean. You know it pisses her off.’

Why else would I be doing it, she thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. Will already knows, anyway. This unacknowledged feud between Carmilla and her mother has been going on for a long time now, the details of which all the members of her department are aware of. She’s heard Danny and Kirsch settle bets on whoever comes out on top of their fiery debates at the monthly meetings, and caught Laf fixing bugs on the door of her mother’s office so they can eavesdrop on the legendary word battles, countless times.

She takes a moment to think about how nothing in their department, which deals with the top priority cases and is responsible for making sure none of the stories get out to the public, ever stays secret.

Will takes another bite of his burger, and gets mayonnaise smeared all over his chin (the moron) ‘Anyways, it’s been two hours now. She should be waking up soon.’  

After Laura had off-handedly mentioned that she needed to get back to her room, she’d simply texted Will and told him to hang around her campus. Then, she’d followed Laura till she caught sight of Will, waited for him to join her, and they’d ambushed her. Carmilla had apologized to her as she was losing consciousness, feeling a strange twinge of guilt in her gut for deceiving the girl earlier. It hadn’t been Laura’s fault (no, that was all her), and unless she really was a criminal, she didn’t deserve to be whacked over the head and stuffed into the back of a truck. Besides, she hadn’t been that bad a conversationalist at the park, entertaining Carmilla with quirky observations about the novels she’d read, and her strange observations on them. Carmilla had actually kind of enjoyed herself for a brief period of time, before the reality of her life had taken over the fun.

In other words, before she remembered that she had a girl to kidnap.

She leans back in her seat, and is just starting to get relaxed enough to catch a few winks, when there is a loud groan from the back. She and Will look at each other.

‘Looks like the prisoner is awake,’ he observes, getting up and ambling towards the noise.

‘For the love of God, William,’ she calls out, following him ‘Do not call her that. For all we know, she’s an illegitimate member of the Royal family.’

The girl stirs, and seems to be waking up slowly, with a lot of groans and winces ‘My head….’

‘Yeah, I apologize for that,’ Will says, easily.

Their prisoner wakes up a little more, and looks at him properly ‘You’re that guy! You were sitting with….’

And then the girl turns her head, and looks right at her, and if Carmilla wasn’t trained to keep a perfect poker face in the early days of her academy training, she is sure her guilt would show on her face, because she looks a mixture of betrayed, shocked and confused. She looks around, and then realizes that her hands are hands are tied and she is trapped to a chair. She looks up at them, panic growing in her eyes.

‘What am I doing..…….where am I?’

‘Okay, cupcake, just calm down.’

‘Millarca? How….?’

Laura struggles against her bonds, twisting right and left, growing desperate with each tightening knot ‘Why am I here?’

‘Um, reasons,’ Will tells her, as if that should clear up all her confusion.

She watches the girl struggle some more, then stop and look up at her ‘Let me go.’

‘Can’t do that, cutie, I’m afraid.’

‘You’ve got the wrong girl.’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘I have no money. My father has no money. Nobody in my family has any money to pay as ransom. Why would you want to kidnap me?’

‘It’s not money we want.’

‘Oh, God, you’re not going to sell me, are you?’

That stumps her ‘What? No. Jeez, cupcake, you listened to me rant about feminism in various novels for around an hour, you really think I’m part of the sex slave racket?’

Laura glares at her ‘Clearly I have no idea who you are. I should have known you were too perfect to be true.’

She raises her eyebrows. Cupcake’s got fire.

‘So, who are you guys?’ Laura asks, after another futile attempt at loosening the knots.

She shouldn’t. She really shouldn’t. But messing with the girl seems really appealing right now.

‘The Illuminati.’

The girl’s eyes widen for a second, before Will bursts out in laughter, and she narrows her eyes ‘Hilarious. The Illuminati started declining around the late 18th century, and somehow I’m not inclined to believe the lame Hollywood conspiracy theories doing the rounds that say Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan are Illuminati members, mostly because the definition of Illuminati is enlightened and they are as far from enlightened as somebody could be, also…..’she pauses to take a much needed breath, and Will’s phone suddenly rings. He picks it up, and then Carmilla is subjected to an extremely confusing one-sided conversation.

‘Ray?’

‘Yeah, we have her. She’s here with us. You gonna tell her what the deal with her is?’

‘Yeah, Laura Hollis.’

‘What?’

There is a long pause. A very, very long pause. She notices Will look at her shiftily ‘What?’

He waves a hand, as if to say ‘Everything’s fine, don’t worry’, but his face grows pale. Before she can question him on it, he stands up, and exits the truck. As he walks away, she can distinctly hear him ask in a panicked voice ‘You said Laura Hollis, right?’

Weird. She shakes the thought away, and turns her attention back to the girl.

‘You never answered my question,’ Laura asks.

‘I can’t tell you who we are,’ she replies very seriously ‘You could be the head of a crime syndicate, or a drug cartel, or a mass murderer, and if something goes wrong, and you miraculously break out of those bonds and escape, you could come after us, and I would be pretty insulted if you managed to end my life. Like, if you didn’t succeed, I’d probably kill myself out of humiliation.’

The girl’s lips twitch, like she’s trying not to smile (and Carmilla totally gets that; if somebody kidnapped her, she’d at least want them to be an asshole so she could hate them in peace) ‘For the last time, you’ve got the wrong girl.’

‘Again, I don’t think so.’

‘Actually,’ Will speaks from behind her.

‘What, William?’

‘There has been a mistake,’ he says, sounding apprehensive.

She stays quiet, letting him continue.

‘When Ray told me the name on the phone, apparently, there was a disturbance in connection, and well………’

No. No. Surely not.

He shows her the screen of his phone, which is full of details about a girl named Laura Hollins. A girl who has dark hair, mocha skin, and looks absolutely nothing like Laura Hollis.

‘You mean to tell me,’ she says slowly, calmly ‘That based on the information you gave me, I kidnapped the wrong girl?’

There is a long pause, then her brother speaks in the tiniest voice ‘Yes.’

She is thinking of a creative way to tell him to go die, when the silence is broken suddenly.

‘For the last time,’ the girl says, furiously ‘I told you so.’

**Laura**

She wakes up to Uptown Girl playing on the radio.

She loves that song, she really does. It’s one of the songs that make her dance along, and like a muscle memory, her hands try to raise themselves to move.

Only for them to fail, because there is something restricting there, something that is digging into her skin, and it hurts, and as if her realization of the pain in her hands is a trigger, she suddenly becomes aware of the acute pain in her head, and whoa, it hurts, like, bad. She wonders what the hell is happening.

And that question is answered mere moments later, when the guy sitting with Millarca at the park comes walking in. Then Millarca herself struts in, and the whole story comes to light. At least part of it does, anyways. She has been kidnapped. By who, she doesn’t know. What for, again, she is blank on that. And she would be fine with that, because it’s not like she expected her kidnappers to give away everything, but seeing Millarca here has really thrown her for a loop. The one time she manages to run into a girl who can hold her own in an intellectual discussion on her favorite novels and make her laugh, she turns out to be a kidnapper who was only interested in talking to Laura for ulterior motives. She can’t catch a break.

Then Will goes out to talk to someone (presumably the people who ordered her abduction), and that leaves her alone with Millarca (if that even is her name), who looks at her like she is a petulant child. Which is wrong for a variety of reasons, because she is an incredibly mature woman who is simply bringing up the possibility of this being a mistake, but even if she is behaving like a petulant child, she just got kidnapped. For no fault of her own. She is allowed to be a little angry. Not that that’s easy. Millarca’s snarkiness is kind of funny, and her smile is attractive as hell, even if Laura now knows the perils lying behind it.

If that sounds like a bad fanfiction, sue her; she’s tired and tied to a chair.

‘You mean to tell me,’ Millarca says, enunciating each word properly, as though hoping that whatever she is saying turns out to be false at the end of her statement ‘That based on the information you gave, I kidnapped the wrong girl?’

She doesn’t know the guy Will very well, but she can tell that he is terrified ‘Yes.’

‘For the last time,’ bursts out of her ‘I told you so.’

Millarca gives her an irritated look, but most of that irritation seems to be directed towards Will. She whacks him on the head, hard ‘You absolute moron! What the hell? How could you even….? Jesus, I thought the Dean taught you better than that. This isn’t even a rookie mistake, it’s that pathetic. Even new recruits know that the most important rule of this business is clear information.’

‘Oh God, mother,’ Will groans in despair ‘She’s going to kill the both of us.’

‘There’s only gonna be one of us to kill, and that’s me,’ Millarca spits out ‘Because I’m killing you personally, you dumbass. I’m going to stab you, and I’m going to bury you, and then I’ll dig you up again and……’

A loud rendition of Sarah Smiles fills the air, and Will fumbles with the phone ‘It’s Danny,’ he says, in obvious relief, opening it, and pressing loudspeaker so that both he and Millarca can hear it properly

‘How in hell did you manage to fuck up a low-profile kidnapping, Carmilla?’ a very amused voice comes over the phone ‘God, how the mighty have fallen.’

Her name is Carmilla. Laura turns it around in her head. Sounds mysterious. And cool. How fitting.

‘Fuck off, Xena,’ Carmilla grumbles.

‘You should know that we had a bet going on in the office. About how much time it’s going to take you to bring the girl in. And you end up kidnapping the wrong person? Seriously?’

‘Yeah, well, nobody won, then.’

‘Oh, actually, we all did. We got to listen to the Dean rage in her office right now. And we got to make sure that we’ll be able to listen clearly when she makes a verbal fruit salad out of you.’

Carmilla and Will wince simultaneously, it’s kind of funny to watch ‘She’s calling us in, then? With the girl?’

No, she thinks. Please, not with the girl. She’s seen enough Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. She knows what happens to the spare.

‘Yes, with the girl. Do come soon, will you? Nobody likes to be kept waiting for a movie.’

Will shuts the phone off, and places it in his pocket ‘To headquarters it is, then.’

Carmilla doesn’t answer, instead she shoulders past him to the front of the van.

‘Wait,’ Will says ‘We’re going _now_? Like _right now_?’

‘Might as well. Can’t afford to dawdle. Besides, God knows what else might happen.’

‘Yeah,’ she speaks out after a long time ‘You might accidently pick up another person, and kidnap them in a case of mistaken identity. God knows you two are crap at your job anyways.’

‘Wow,’ Carmilla snarks ‘Cupcake can speak sarcasm as well as she can speak whiny. I’m impressed.’

She makes a face, and tries to roll her shoulders in an attempt to get rid of the excruciating back pain that has developed, which makes the ropes dig into her wrists more, and they’re already chafed so……ouch.

Carmilla must have noticed, so in what seems like a rare display of sympathy, she walks over to her, and loosens the ropes a bit, not loose enough for her to break out of, but loose enough so her wrists don’t rub against each other painfully.

‘Don’t worry,’ Carmilla mutters ‘We’re not the bad guys.’

‘Could’ve fooled me.’

‘Trust me, cutie,’ she smirks at Laura ‘You’ll know when I’m being bad.’

The last part is said in a low tone, which coupled with Carmilla’s sexy voice, makes her lose her focus for a while. By the time she regains it, they’ve already started driving. Stupid kidnapper, she thinks. Stupidly attractive kidnapper who is probably taking her to her death, and still she can’t turn her ridiculous brain off.

This shit never happens in Harry Potter.

**Author's Note:**

> On Tumblr, under the name Craploadsofawesomeness


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